Sowing for Harvest

Dear Friend,

Thanksgiving is behind us, Christmas is around the corner, and get-togethers with in-laws are ahead. Like everyone, I often get a little anxiety during the holidays. Not because of trekking through snow and ice, or making sure my kids practice their parts in the Christmas play, or even hosting parties with homemade gingerbread houses because the kits add up a lot faster than the ingredients to bake them yourself. It’s the in-laws.

***Now, before anyone gets any wild ideas, I am unbelievably happy with my husband, as he is with me. My husband and I have always stood firm in our commitment and loyalty to God and each other first and foremost. These problems have absolutely been cause for stress between us and my in-laws, but there isn’t the level of toxicity that would make me want to abandon all association with my in-laws or fear for my children’s safety if left alone with them.

Nevertheless, of everything on my plate each year, it’s the in-laws that usually stress me out. The awkward hug and hello that don’t feel quite sincere in their welcome. The conversations that surround a childhood you weren’t part of and contentedly don’t include you. Unless they decide to ask you a question, which they almost never do, they prefer your silence. If you decide to buck tradition, and try to include yourself, strange looks of surprise that you exist seem to inevitably follow.

This unfortunately common dynamic has been the cause of several fallouts over the years, at their fault and ours, no one is perfect here. Whether my husband’s side, or not, they’re still family; and as such, require some level of loyalty and preference over any given stranger I may feel more inclined to help just because my existence hasn’t set them against me. During these times of stress, busy-ness, and family get-togethers, I find myself more drawn to God’s word. Grasping His grace a little tighter, searching for His peace a little more.

I’ve read the book of Ruth a couple times for myself, and heard the story too many times to count. Each time, I had the perspective of Ruth and her MIL Naomi having a close mother-daughter connection. Why else would Ruth want to stay with Naomi after her husband, FIL & BIL all died in war AND her SIL left at Naomi’s insistence both young women return to their own families of origin so that they could remarry? In addition to no longer having any buffer between the women, Naomi was leaving Moab to return to her own people of Israel, enemies of the Moabites.

I’ve always assumed that the women must have had a pleasant relationship. But after 12 years of marriage, with in-laws that are less than thrilled to see me at each family event, I had the thought this morning, after a couple texts from my own MIL, what if it wasn’t pleasant? What if Naomi looked down on her son’s choice of bride because she was a Moabitess? Or she didn’t like her personality because she behaved differently than the typical Israelite woman she had envisioned her son would marry? Maybe she didn’t trust Ruth because she was in the throws of discovering her identity in God instead of the pagan practices she had been raised in. Maybe Ruth tried a little too hard to be liked by her in-laws that it rubbed them the wrong way.

¹Now it came to pass, in the days when the judges ruled, that there was a famine in the land. And a certain man of Bethlehem, Judah, went to dwell in the country of Moab, he and his wife and his two sons …. ³Then Elimelech, Naomi’s husband, died; and she was left, and her two sons. ⁴Now they took wives of the women of Moab: the name of the one was Orpah, and the name of the other Ruth. And they dwelt there about ten years. [Ruth 1:1-4]

Perhaps connection was absent from their relationship when they were both widowed by war. Ruth had every reason to return to her own people: her husband was dead, there was no replacement husband as was common during these times if a woman was widowed without any children and her MIL was destined to a life of destitution as a widow with no one to provide for her. Yet Ruth refused! She promised to hold steadfast to Naomi no matter what, for the rest of her own life. After Naomi saw Ruth’s determination to stay with her, she even gave Ruth the silent treatment and didn’t claim her as a daughter when the women arrived in Bethlehem.

¹⁷ “Where you die, I will die. And there will I be buried. The Lord do so to me, and more also, if anything but death parts you and me.” ¹⁸ When she saw that she was determined to go with her, she stopped speaking to her. [Ruth 1:17-18]

²⁰”Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. ²¹I went out full, and the Lord has brought me home again empty.” [Ruth 1:20-21]

Maybe Ruth felt loyalty to the house of Israel because she married into it. Maybe she knew how incapable a destitute old widow would be to provide for herself. Maybe she loved Naomi as a mother. None of these questions are addressed in the book of Ruth, because the specific answers don’t matter. Ruth is an excellent example for how one should seek the kingdom of God and make decisions that will bring ourselves closer to Him in all our ways. This most especially includes how you treat others despite how you may have been treated, just as Mary did when she no doubt got some side eyes and gossip when it got out that she was pregnant before Joseph married her.

As long as there isn’t damaging toxic behavior, such as abuse, direct disrespect that undermines my role as a wife to my husband or mother to my children, it really doesn’t matter how my in-laws treat me. In spite of disrespect in the past and petty exclusion in conversations, I want my in-laws in our life. I didn’t have grandparents growing up and I want my children to have that experience. My husband says these are lessons for when our children grow up, get married and have children. If Ruth had not stayed with Naomi accepted her counsel, she wouldn’t have married Boaz or given birth to Obed. Obed was grandfather to King David, who was ancestor to Joseph, who married Mary, who gave birth to Jesus.

I think these trials have overall been the source of amazing growth for me. If they hadn’t treated me the way they did, I wouldn’t have had to confront the pain, shame, and insecurity of my own past that made me vulnerable to that hurt. I wouldn’t have had to pour out my heart to God, seek His forgiveness for sins that made me insecure in myself to the point that my entire identity rested in my marriage and motherhood, and not in HIM. I realized that I was idolizing family, and that lead to a desperation to belong.

I must draw nearer to God’s word to ward off any insecurity and anxiety created by exposure to my in-laws during the holidays. Because it really isn’t their fault if I feel that way, I have to be secure with myself regardless of them not caring for me. My worth and acceptance comes from Him. We will never be the perfect idea anyone has of us, and thank God for not expecting us to be. Our heavenly Father is a perfect Father, He loves us because He is so good, not because of us. The Jesus-shaped hole in my heart has been filled! I no longer need to try to fill it with the things of this world, including the acceptance of my in-laws. You only need to draw closer to Him, love Him, seek His favor and His will for your life. I hope this helped!

Love,

Eileen